Friday, April 15, 2011

Mel the Terrible....Mel the Vegetarian

I'm sure many of you are reading this wondering if I've now imposed my own weirdo practices onto my cat.  No, she's imposed them on herself.
A few months ago, I asked my mom to bring out some plant trimmings so that I could start my own offshoots.  The cuttings sat on my kitchen counter while they grew nice long healthy roots, then I moved them to a pot, and then one day I went to take them to work and noticed that my plant, really didn't look like a plant.  It sort of looked like a piece of abstract, not yet finished, artwork.
The ends of the leaves were nawed off leaving brown, flat ends, not graciously flowing green tips and long leaves that the type of plant is supposed to have.
"MEL!!" I yelled from the kitchen.  She came into the dining area and sat, with a simple look on her face, looking at me, like "Yeah, whaddaya want?"
Did you eat this??? I said, with my best stern look (eyebrows raised, eyes wide, over the rim of the glasses, pursed lips) while putting what was left of my potted plant at eye level for her to see.  
She's not only a vegetarian, but she understands English because she did a Mel tornado right out of the room as soon as I got the plant to eye level.
Well that explained that.  And how do you punish a cat?  Everything is on their terms.
I took my wounded plant into my office the next day, and it's now sitting lamely on top of my mini fridge trying to regain it's strength.  First she's at war with me, and now my houseplants.  I wonder if she feels threatened by another living thing.  Something that takes a little bit of my attention away from her each week.
Because the saga continues.
I bought a blackberry bush for out on my balcony.  I'm so proud.  It's pretty much an amazing plant.  AND it hasn't died yet.  It's growing.  In fact, it looked like it may be getting some flowers on it!!
Until Mel chewed them off.
I tried to enjoy the sunrise with a cup of coffee out on my balcony the other day.  Me, Mel and the sun.  You would have thought it was peaceful.  No.  Every 6-8 seconds in a loud whisper: "Sssssstop it!!"
Swat.  A little louder:
"Quit eating my plantssss!"
Whack.  In a yelling whisper:
It took me thwacking her with the garden knee pad to get her to back off.  She then jumped in my largest pot where my hollyhocks were showing some signs of sprouting this year and proceeded to use it as a litter box.
It took everything I had not to see if cats really have the amazing sense of balance that they are said to, by throwing her over the balcony.  But I didn't.
The following weekend I purchased a bunch of daffodils from Trader Joes.  Imported from Ireland, at only $1.50, daffodils are pretty much my favorite, have Welsh significance, and therefore are pretty much my favorite even more.  And they're yellow.  And they're springy.  AND though I've checked in Lowe's since December, they've had no bulbs.  So here they were waiting for me. So I bought myself flowers.
I enjoyed them all day Sunday and then set the vase on my kitchen counter to keep them out of sight/out of mind of the beast.  Several times I caught her trying to get a taste.  Once she came into the bedroom with a daffodil petal stuck to the side of her mouth.
Monday morning I awoke to a trail of daffodil petals down the hall, in my sofa cushions, on my stove, under the fridge, the litter box.  It looked like a bird had died and been shredded.
All the evidence I needed.
I was not happy.
I surveyed the damage the little beast had done to my daffodils.
They looked alien.
Missing all of the petals, and just left with their trumpets, they looked like the were out of a moonscape and completely creepy.
I took them to work anyway and set them next to my recooperating spider plant.
And once again, this is the cat who will not eat anything other than her same old brand of dry cat food.
Tonight I found a petal under my pillow.
I've tried growing cat grass for her.  She downs it and then pukes up and down my hallway at an abnormally fast rate while make the plunger sound.  "Retch retch retchh heaaaaaaavvvvvvvvvve" And thirty seconds later "retch retch retch heeeeeeeeeeeeeeave."
So for now, my cat is trying to become a vegetarian.  It would sure make things cheaper if she'd just eat my leftovers.  She wouldn't like not being in charge, but it would make life easier.  Unfortunately for her, I don't eat daffodils.

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