Sunday, May 22, 2011

Warrior Mel

Yesterday I participated in something called "Warrior Dash" with my friends Mel (erm, that would be my human friend Mel) and Robert.
Upon completion of the 5k ridiculous obstacle course (and by ridiculous I mean everything you ever wanted to do as a kid and were told not to - giant slip and slides, swimming through mud pits, hay bale mountains, cargo nets), you are awarded a "warrior helmet."

After I got home, Mel took immediate interest in all of the smells on my muddy, disgusting clothes, promptly sprayed them where I had temporarily dropped them on the linoleum in my entry way while I took a shower, and let me know that whatever other animals I had been playing with that day (um, or in? as the case may be - there was a cow pasture right next to the course...I hope that the cow pasture stayed next to the course and not part of it but...) they, and their smells, were most certainly NOT welcome in Her home.

So this morning, to be supportive of her good sportsmanship yesterday, I tried the warrior helmet on her for size:

I think that pretty much sums up anything else I could possibly say.  She will probably kill me in my sleep tonight.  If only she knew I posted pictures on the Internet as well....

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Axis of Evil

The other day my friend Amanda posted an article from on my Facebook wall, titled "6 Adorable Cat Behaviors with Shockingly Evil Explanations."

Mel, of late, has been particularly unsettled.  A couple weeks ago she bit my face rather aggressively and drew blood.  Yes, I realize that there are people who would have instantly taken her to the shelter, or worse.

Call me an idiot, but twenty minutes later we had reconciled and I was gloating about how cute she was.  It's moments like this that the fact that she has such an upper hand in our relationship terrifies me, to put it lightly.

I'm psychologically controlled by an evil furry four legged General, as my friend Sarah calls her.

It's really bothered me that she's been in such a rotten mood.  We sort of feed off of each other symbiotically, and when she's pissy, it makes me pissy because I know I'm about to lose blood. She snapped at my face again last night and I can't figure out where this behavior is coming from.  Currently she is curled up in the nook of my arm.  My dad asked if she was feeling okay - since she acts rabid all the time, I really have no way to tell.  She acts like she wants attention, then chomps off a finger when you go to scratch her chin.  She wants up on the bed, but doesn't want me on the bed with her - well that's not so un-normal.

So I read the article that Amanda had posted on my FB wall, more amused than taking anything to heart.

Well today I noticed something.  Now that I've read the article, I'll never look at my cat the same way again.

First, please refer to the last picture of #6 (the first item) in the article.  This is how I sort of think of Mel.  All the time.  Which is why I post cute, fuzzy pictures of her on FB - to remind myself that she's a normal cat (an oxymoron if I've ever heard one).  It's like, if I post pictures of her looking cute, I'll stop thinking of this image I have that is very similar to the last picture in item #6.

But it was #5 that got me going.  #5 - "Leaving Their Poop Uncovered as an Insult."  As I read the article for the first time, I thought, "Mel would never do that. She's far too much of a lady."  Mel has always covered her poops and sprayed kitty litter from the laundry room to kitchen in the process.

But tonight she didn't.  Tonight she left it uncovered.  

According to the article this is purposefully evil: an insult and territorial claim.

Oh my God.  My cat.  My cat is insulting me!  On purpose!  I have no idea what to do about this.  All I can do is be reduced to her scooping slave and clean her box, removing the insult - AND that forces me to acknowledge it.  Her strategery is perfect.  (I refuse to give her credible credit).

After being reduced to a shoveling, gold digging, dust kicking, sifting, depositing maid, I went back and found the article that Amanda had posted to re-read the psychological analysis of The General.

Luckily it sounds as thought it's just an insult to me, and if anything more, a claim to her territory.  Refer to overall main blog title.

Which brought me to item #4 - "Rubbing Up Against You to Claim Ownership."

Is it really pathetic and sad that I'm flattered by this?  She wants to own me.  That means she wants me around.  And THAT means she won't kill me in my sleep.  Yet.  In fact, my reaction was along the lines of, "Aw, Mellie loves me.  She wants to own me."  Sick.

And let's not forget #6 - Imitating a Human Baby.  Mel imitates a good many things, including evil incarnate.  But a human baby?  No, that's what I do when I cry because she's hurt my feelings and has flat out rejected me as her mommy AGAIN.

I continued to the second page of the article, reviewing for Mel's behaviors.  #3 - "Imitates Snakes."  Yes, Mel does that so often that, thinking of it in these terms, I question her species.  Thank goodness she is furry and non-venomous.

But #2 was upsetting once again - "Obsessively Getting Rid of the Stench of Humans."
I've written previous entries and noted that my cat is obsessively clean.  And now I know she's obsessively trying to get rid of my stench.  I'm not sure how I feel about that considering I live with two litter boxes in my laundry room and her litter paws in my bed every night - usually on my pillow and up my nose.  Well, that explains that.  Upper hand.  On everything.

And finally, #1.  Yes, I do suck at hunting, mostly because I have a problem killing anything.  Mel has rubbed this in.  Being an indoor cat, her lethality rating is lower than she'd like it to be, which is probably partly why she plots to kill me in her spare time.  But she's managed a gecko and a mouse.  Bugs are just something to swat at - not even worth the kill.  Plus, she leaves those for me to kill, which I don't appreciate at all.

She attempted poultry the other day -

I might have put the bird feeder a bit lower on a side table out on the deck so she could get a better view.  (I thought I was being nice and giving her some up close entertainment.)  And this might have led to her flying head first (mmmm...perhaps quite hard) into the glass door with a loud SMACK.

Whoops.  Sorry Mel.

She would have definitely gotten that bird had that door not been in her way.  No doubt.  (Victory dance.)

Well, I suppose that all of these things establish that I can legally classify my cat as evil and that is the reason for her streak of even worse-than-usual poor behavior.

I am - in all serious honestly -  rather insulted that she has left her poops uncovered on purpose and that she doesn't want to smell me.  Talk about complete animal kingdom rejection.  If we were monkeys, she'd probably leave me to pick off my own bugs and eat them myself.  That's not the way things are supposed to be.  I think I will have to go "Imitate a Human Baby" at this time.  :(

And of course, as I would like to insert something equally insulting and evil back at her, she is still curled up in the crook of my elbow as I struggle to type one handed so as not to disturb the little bitch - and she looks completely cute and innocent and all I can think about is how much I love her and that I could never say anything seriously insulting about her or to her.  Curses.

Mel - 22
Kelsey - 1 (for the glass door)