Saturday, August 28, 2010

Bonding with a Sadist

Yes.  My cat is a sadist.  She takes pleasure in cruelty and pain.
Particularly in causing it to me.
Our relationship is riddled with nighttime ninja attacks.  Some with more stealth than others, but all quite cruel and/or painful.  I've not yet concluded what her strategic objective may be (rather perhaps I do not wish to face that it might be my own demise).  She has no rules of engagement, at least as far as I can tell.   This is what I can glean of her operational order.
Know thy enemy.  -Sun Tzu

Situation:  Invader who walks on two legs.  No fur except on head and sometimes legs but this disappears every few days.  Controls food supply and exit routes. No friendlies.  Solo mission support.

Mission:  Destroy.

1.) Operation Suffocation - Nighttime operation.  Jump onto bed. Purr, meow and act content.  Invader will allow you to fall asleep next to her once you win her heart and mind.  Once Invader is definitely asleep, maneuver to the pillow.  Settle down.  Make sure Invader is still sleeping.  Slowly creep closer and closer to Invader's face.  Closer and closer.  Resist chewing on hair while doing this, despite tasting yummy and feeling good between the teeth, it will wake invader.  Finally plaster self over face of Invader, making sure to wrap yourself around Invader's head in an intent to cut off air supply.  Invader will suffocate.

2.) Operation Fang - Daytime or Nighttime operation.  Deceive Invader into thinking you are "friends" with her.  Cuddle, purr and use many other deceptive actions (like human males) to "bond" with her.  Once you gain her trust - ATTACK FROM NO WHERE!!!  Drawing blood is always effective.  Risky operation as Invader likely to retaliate.

3.) Operation Thump - Generally nighttime operation.  Jump onto Invader's head while she is lying in bed, from the floor.  Shock and surprise will cause Invader to propel herself from the bed, get tangled in the bed covers, often ending up with Invader in a pile on the floor with a loud thumping noise.

4.) Operation Nightowl - Nighttime operation.  Wait until Invader is making a "schnnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaa  scchoooooooooooo"  sound.  Once this happens, find everything in the room that you can make noise with.  Claw the wicker hamper.  Chew on Invader's glasses or lamp shade.  Plastic bags are most effective - paw at them, play with them, lay on them, wrap yourself in them and walk around the room.  Hit the on button on Invader's "alarm clock" - a boxy looking thing with blue glow in the dark numbers on it.  Force Invader to continually get up and get out of bed to remove the source of your noise causing.  When all possible avenues of noise have been exhausted, jump onto the bed and paw at Invader.  Plaster yourself against her shoulder and slap your paw on her face.  Chew her hair.  Put your butt in her face and fart on the pillow.  Bite her nose.  Bite her arm.  Knead her shoulder.  Knead her head.  Meow loudly for attention.  Chase your tail in circles while on stepping on Invader.  Jump off the bed and go running through the house, making as much noise as possible and crashing into as many things as possible and then fly back onto the bed - the head is always the landing zone.  Always remember: A ten pound cat is capable of sounding like a plane taking off.

5.) Operation Urinate- Pee on everything.  Suit jackets.  Pianos.  Carpets.  Clean laundry.  Dirty laundry.  Newspapers.  Magazines.  Important papers (particularly something called "taxes").  Bwahahahaha.

Mel doing some Recon

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