Tuesday, October 19, 2010

"Pet" Peeves

The longer Mel and I live together the more, unfortunately or fortunately depending on whose side we are referring to, I think we become like the other.  For example, the downstairs neighbor drives both of us crazy.  Mel pretty much doesn't like anybody.  Well okay, I pretty much don't like anybody either.  I like lots of people, just not most of them.  This neighbor always has something to say about everyone and everything and always has plenty of complaints to heap upon this poor soul of an HOA board volunteer.  (Oh the stories - and yes one day I most certainly will write a book called "True Stories of Fake People."  My copyright is already in place, my book deal signed.)

One of Mel and I's pet peeves is being interrupted in the sleeping process, or near-to-sleeping process.

I argue that she should be less incensed since she is a cat and sleep comes absolutely naturally to her, but I digress.

Other than a violent chainsaw accident, you may never find a faster way to lose an arm or hand then to wake Mel up from a deep sleep.  If you have ever seen the Disney animated version of Aladdin, in one of the first scenes the "Cave of Wonders" awakens and the spirit of the cave has a deep booming voice which threatens to swallow whoever is in the cave if they touch any of the treasure in the cave.

I imagine Mel's voice sounding the same and threatening to swallow whoever touches her in her sleep.

Last night, Mel and I went to bed early.  By early, I mean we were grandmas and were tucked in circa 8 pm.  Well actually my grandmothers both stay up late - my Grams is regularly up past midnight.  So more like being the working girls that we are, we were tucked in by 8 pm.

Around 9:00, just as we both hit that twilight of barely reachable, so-close-you-can-taste-it sleep -
Knock Knock.  
Mel lifted her head and I looked back at her.  She put her head down and I closed my eyes.
Knock Knock Knock. 
Knock Knock-Knock Knock.
Knock Knock Knock Knock.
Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock

Dear Lord,
Please make her go away.
I know she sees my car in the parking lot.
I know she knows I'm home because she is the neighborhood gossip and spy who always knows not only when everyone is home, but when they got home, what they wore to work, what they're having for dinner and whether or not they have chewing gum on the bottom of their shoe.
Please, please have mercy upon us.
Love, Kelsey and Mel

It took 15 minutes to simmer back down from being extremely irritated that it took her 8 rounds of knocking to figure out that I wasn't going to answer the door (a previous time the count was 19 and I was in the bathroom - when I finally was able to open the door I immediately said, "HI.  I was going to the bathroom.  What can I do for you?"  I thought then that that situation had solved any future problems of not having 50 acres in the middle of no where to myself, but I was wrong.  At least the count is down to 8 which is probably "normal" in her mind).

So tomorrow morning, I may set my alarm for 4am.  I will then run back and forth through my second floor condo which is situated immediately above said neighbor.  In cowboy boots.  Doing gymnastics.  I may just then go down to my car and turn on the brights since I park right outside her bedroom.  Perhaps I will learn how to use my fancy stereo system and turn the bass up to 10000 gazillion +.  I may open my trunk and blare Snoop Dogg from my subs (yo).  But not before I lay on the horn and throw pebbles at her window to make extra sure she can hear everything that is going on - after I pound on her door 8 times on my way out to my car.  With a sledgehammer.

Needless to say, Mel and I have both been rather crotchety today.  And we are attempting to go to bed early.  Again.  In fact, I am in bed now.  It is 6:46pm.

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